Wednesday, August 19, 2015

When Flies Attack

After arriving home late on a Sunday evening I was greeted by a fly.

"Must have a hole in my screen, why is there a fly in here?"

Exhausted from the drive and a couple hours past my bedtime, I trapped the fly in my bathroom in hopes that it would die, or at least make my bathroom its home for the night so I wouldn't have to worry about it making my wide open sleeping mouth its home.

7:00 AM I open the bathroom door to a pissed off fly. It did not find my bathroom to be as cozy as I do with it's claw foot tub and make-up stained white rug. (seriously, who buys white rugs?)

I scrambled out the door to catch the bus thinking surly this fly wanted out and would follow me through the door. Negative.

As I got off the bus at the end of the day, it started to rain. This should have been a sign about how the rest of my night would go.

I walked in to my apartment dripping wet to two flies enjoying their freedom with my tall ceilings.

I was in too much of a sour mood to care about the two flies. That is until two more showed up uninvited.

With no fly swatter on hand, I rolled up some junk mail and put my apartment on high alert.

As a back up, I filled a glass with some cranberry juice to see if they would go for the sweet smell. Flies do not like cranberry juice.

Bachelor in Paradise was 30 minutes away and I needed to get dinner started. Since it was Monday I went with the traditional Chicken and Broccoli Alfredo.

More flies started to appear and my cooking got side tracked. No food was safe and paranoia set in that one of those pieces of garlic I burned was actually a fly enjoying my alfredo sauce before me.

I saw a fly trying to escape by buzzing between my half open window and screen. I went to trap it by shutting the window.

"Gotcha! Die fly! Ha ha ha ha! DAMMMMMMM ITTTTTTTT!!"

In a hurry to close my window, the vase sitting on the ledge was spooked and hit the ground and shattered.

I don't have a broom. How do I clean this?!

I picked up what I could by hand and then wiped the rest up with a damp paper towel. Now I know how dirty my floor is. Great.

As I was cutting the chicken to add to the sauce I had a knife in one hand and my rolled up paper in the other killing flies while protecting my chicken.

I started to notice the flies seemed to be coming from my living room window so I closed it, but not before a few more flies found their way in.

I opened the curtains to discover roughly 2-3 dozen flies just buzzing between the screen and window.

I'm pretty sure the flies were mocking me as I'd swat them and they'd dive bomb me. A few landed on my curtains and that's where two found the end of the road.

"Great, now I have fly blood on my curtain. I didn't know flies bled."

As I went to end the life of a third fly on my curtain, my whole damn curtain rod came down with it. I imagine it was the equivalent of being caught in an avalanche, but surviving.

That little bugger escaped and I swatted it like a baseball and it crashed to the ground.

Just as I thought I could finally relax for the evening and all the flies were gone, two more showed up.

By this time my fly killing game was on point and it was a one, two done scenario.

I'm proud to say as of this morning there were no flies. But it also means I can't open my windows because they are trapped in there.

I dreamed of flies attacking me, accidentally eating flies, giant flies.

Please pray that I am fly free.

*Update: I was far from fly free when I got home. Roughly 30 in/on my window. I killed them with windex and hairspray. Every hour one would find its way in. It has been discovered that the flies are coming from the hallway. I haven't seen or heard my across the hall neighbor for a while. Sure hope the flies aren't coming from him. There are roughly 20 flies dead outside his door this morning.

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