Earlier this week one of my managers walked by and said I looked sad, I brushed it off and just said I wasn't feeling well, my exact words were, 'I feel like shit' and I almost started to cry. When I am sick and I have to sit at work, I do cry, but I think the thing that really brought the water to my eyes was that he was right. I am sad, and I'm not trying to make it sound like 'oh poor Ali, she's sad because she didn't get the new shirt she wanted', I'm just sad with people and the way they feel they can treat someone they don't know, or someone they think they know.
I love to smile and people love my smile too (after four years of braces, pulled teeth and lots of poking and proding, I better have a good smile).
"Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
- Mother Teresa
But I just haven't found myself being able to smile genuinely lately and it's starting to hurt everywhere, but also make me reflect on why?.
Growing up I was always shy, would literally hide under my moms skirt, and just didn't say much. I've broken out of that shell, but now when I talk, I'm hushed, or talked over, or told that 'we don't need to talk about that now'. Well you know what? I do need to talk about that, and if I don't talk about it now, I won't be able to talk about it later.
I worked very hard in the past couple of years to put myself back together after the man I thought I was going to marry cheated on me and I had to leave his daughter (who called me 'practically my mom'), my friends, and the place I called home to move back home, 4 hours away and try to fit in with family and friends again, that knew me as the Ali that liked to go clubbing, drink every night until bar close after work and only want to date guys who had nice shoes or jeans.
I worked hard to drop the 35 pounds of the 50 pounds I gained while in said relationship. All I get are backhanded comments like, 'you aren't as flabby as you used to be', or from strange guys telling me I'm fat and should be anorexic. Someone telling me I'm very 'hippie', not 70's hippie, but pretty, womanly curves hippie, only he didn't say it as a compliment. Why can't people just praise you for the hard work you put towards something?
Why can't the good compliments erase the pain of the hurtful comments?
I hardly have any friends, and my family is very wrapped up in their own lives. Which is one big reason why I started to blog. I wanted to share my stories and my life experiences. This is the best way for me to get everything out and now that someone, somewhere is reading this.
I'm not totally stoked about my job. I get paid in peanuts, and I'm constantly looking for work to do. I stress about money every day, about how I'm going to pay for groceries, or go to happy hour, or dinner with a friend from out of town. I worry if I'm going to be able to afford deoderant, or a new pair of walking shoes (since mine are now without liners and I'm too poor to buy new ones).
I'm stressed, I'm sad, I'm lonely. But this is how I'm going to fix it.
I want to be happy and smile and laugh and be surrounded with people who care who have same interests. So how can I change that? There is a great site called Meetup.com and there are groups for all sorts of hobbies, activities, happy hours, volunteering, etc. I'm going to a MeetUp happy hour next week with some girls from one of the groups. I also joined the Minneapolis Jaycees, and will be doing some volunteering with them. I'm starting small and going out there to find people with similar interests.
Sorry for the 'lay it all out there' post. Hope you come back when I recap the fun filled weekend I'm about to have.